Season 7, Episode 9: Rock in the Road (A Comedic Synopsis)

When last we heard from our favorite survivors, the brutal slaughtering of Spencer and Olivia had finally forced our main protagonist into action. Indeed, this painless death of two completely irrelevant characters led Rick to finally agree with Michonne (his third girlfriend in a span of perhaps less than a year, but who's counting?) that it was time for the Alexandrians to rebel against the tyrannical rule of Negan (and his lovable barbed-wire bat, Lucille).

Thus, in the Midseason Premiere, Rick Grimes and the gang set off to enlist the help of more reasonable groups of humans: among them, the dude that walks around with a leashed Tiger, and the dude that claims to be Jesus. Unfortunately, help seems quite difficult to come by for these desperate Alexandrians.

First, Rick and company attempt to persuade the leader of The Hilltop Colony, Gregory, to join their rebellion. However, Gregory declines their offer, claiming that he is somehow actually content with day-to-day living (when in reality, he'd just prefer a hungry Lucille to remain a safe distance away from his own skull; I apologize for the potential spoiler alert here, but doesn't it seem like this guy is going to end up nice-and-dead before the conclusion of Season 7? Rheeetoooorrriiiicaaaal!).

Nevertheless, with Jesus on board, and the Father on their side (alright, I'm just trying to be punny here, though the Father essentially deserted them in the middle of the night), the Alexandrians further their conquest in pursuit of the assistance of King Ezekiel and The Kingdom. Unfortunately, Ezekiel and his ravenous Tiger, Shiva, are far too concerned with the safety of their own community to risk finding themselves in yet another bloodbath. Alas, the King doth sendeth (this is Shakespearian, enough, yes?) the Alexandrians on their way, offering to keep Daryl (an escaped convict.. but don't worry, he's perfectly useless without his bow and arrow) safe should Negan and the The Saviors come a-knocking in Alexandria.

Additionally, during their brief stay in The Kingdom, the Alexandrians encounter Morgan, who has now seemingly decided that story fabrication is the way to go. "Sorry, Rick, I don't know where Carol is. Sorry, Rick, all life is precious. Maybe if we capture Negan, Rick, nobody will have to die." Sorry Morgan, this series isn't produced by Disney.

As the Alexandrians finally make their way back towards Alexandria (it would have been most convenient if they had met a girl named Alexandria here), their progress is halted by a Savior blockade in the form of a large portion of the highway being hopelessly lined with vehicles and explosives. With a massive herd of walkers quickly approaching, Rick concocts a genius plan: risk everybody's lives in order to gain a trunkful of bombs.

Indeed, with flesh-seeking zombies quickly approaching, and unpredictable explosives sitting merely feet away, the group dive into a drama-filled sequence in which both Rick and Michonne should have become Walker Dinner, yet somehow manage to survive. This scene also flawlessly demonstrates the visual perfection of this show, as the Alexandrians literally murder hundreds of undead fast-food customers with a couple of regular-sized cars and a sturdy cable (I don't know about you, but I always love driving with a blood-and-gut stained windshield).

When the group arrives back in Alexandria (unbelievably unharmed), they're in for yet another surprise. The Saviors have, indeed, come a-knocking. They're looking for Daryl. Thankfully, British Andrew Lincoln (Rick) does his best impression of a southern United States car salesman, claiming that he had absolutely no idea that Daryl managed to escape from Negan's clutches. And with Daryl nowhere to be found, The Saviors have little reason to deny Rick's story (may Father Gabriel rain countless blessings down upon you, King Ezekiel).

It's during this particular Savior visit, however, that the traveling Alexandrians are startled to discover that Father Gabriel has simply disappeared. Their food and supplies have been thoroughly depleted, and all that is left for Rick to conveniently find is a hidden note, reading: BOAT. So naturally (as any decent human would do for another human who has once tried to have his/her family fed to Walkers), Rick decides to seek out Gabriel.

The group is now well on their way to a somewhat unfamiliar, briefly-visited location, when they are unexpectedly surrounded and held at gun-point. Rick smiles, as if to say, "Here we go again. Why can't I ever just provide a happy life for CORAL!?" Or maybe it's somewhere along the lines of, "Hey, I know these people!" Either way, dear viewers, we are resigned to wait until next Sunday.